Shaun

04:22 pm: Another IM from Theresa's cat...
I think he's trying to tell me something with his ass, but I have no idea what it is...


[11:24] Theresa: \]o9
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[11:24] Theresa: \]
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07:00 am: So, Theresa's cat...
Sometimes, Theresa's cat IMs people with his ass. This morning, he typed this to me...



[05:05] Theresa: oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=-c v=- bnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbnbn;-)


The part that scares me the most is that it all ends with a winking emoticon.

02:45 pm: Hey, Theresa...


I love you.

05:25 am: The rest of the world...
Okay, so I guess I've got a question about the election. Now, it's amazing just the sheer amount of attention this recent election has gotten from the rest of the world. I've read Canadian blog posts about groups of people gathering around TVs in bars and celebrating Obama's victory, just to provide a single example. Of course, there are also the many, many well wishes from leaders around the world.
So, I guess what I'm wondering is just why the rest of the world seems so concerned with our president right now. Are they always this interested in other countries' politics? Are we really that lazy and uncaring that we're perhaps the only country that doesn't pay attention to elections outside of our own borders? Is all of this attention just because Obama is the first black American president? (You know, I usually consider the term African American kinda lame, but I realize that it would've actually been appropriate here...) My theory is that Bush managed to make enough enemies throughout the rest of the world during the last decade or so that everyone was basically on the edges of their seats waiting to see who will replace him and whether or not they'd be from the same party/share some of the same "ideals."
Any thoughts?

04:29 am: Feelings on the election...
Mr. President,
Thank you. You have run this country so terribly for the last eight years that people who might not have cared about "just another election" were forced to take notice and strive for change. The problems you have caused are of such magnitude that a generation long infamous for their apathy has come together in record numbers to vote for our country's future. The legacy you leave behind is one of utter failure; you took a bad situation and made it worse than anyone could've ever imagined. At the very least, you may have helped to spark the smallest of revolutions, which is still something that this country has long needed.

Barack Obama,
Congratulations. You are this nation's first black president, yet that is just the beginning of the weight which is about to come to rest squarely on your shoulders; your predecessor left our country in a state of ruin, and to you falls the unenviable task of prying it out of the gutter and cleaning it off. I can only hope that you manage to rise to the task, and leave a legacy the opposite of that which you find yourself following. The people have spoken, and you are the one who emerged victorious from trial after trial, culminating in the ultimate award. Please, don't let us down. This is a chance to make a wonderful change. And yes, I think we can.

Sarah Palin,
Thank you. For a while, it appeared that Senator McCain was picking up enough steam to pose a genuine threat to Senator Obama. Then, you came along. You helped to expose and personify the ignorance and hypocrisy that sometimes lies hidden during campaigns, only to surface as soon as the appropriate oaths are taken. I shall leave your note brief, since your footnote in history will hopefully be equally terse.

America,
I have to admit, I'm impressed. Yesterday, records were broken. Yesterday, changes began. Hopefully, we have seen the first steps towards getting this country back on the right track. I will confess that I joined your ranks for the first time, myself, and feel myself honored to cast my first ballot in such a pivotal election.
However, I am still disappointed in some of you. Last night, many of you were still unconcerned with the historical events taking place. There was much talk of sports scores, but little talk of vote counts. Sadly, there is still enough apathy among you to pose a great danger. Our strength comes from our numbers. The more of us that stand to speak our minds, the weaker the voice of the few in Washington. We have the power to keep them in check. For now, they answer to us. Let's keep it that way.

12:26 am: Another quick update.
Life's pretty good. I've been to three faires with Theresa over the last three weekends. Expect more details and photos when I get around to posting/linking them.
I'm pretty excited for this Thursday. The theater in our town is hosting a quadruple horror movie marathon. I'm finally doing a bit of research on the movies, since I haven't even heard of 3/4 of them before. The one that I have heard of is Night of the Living Dead. I've never actually seen the original version before, so I'm really excited to see it on the big screen. Links to the movies' IMDB pages follow:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055106/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082966/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052602/
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063350/
So, after this marathon, Friday is Salem. I love Salem on Halloween. It's like a slightly more macabre Mardi Gras.

10:38 pm: I don't know why...

Oh, and in other news... I'm officially on vacation! I've got tonight and tomorrow off, and then all of next week. Yay.

10:03 pm: Life? Life!
So, I'm alive. Whee. I guess I just randomly felt like updating for a change.
Things are going great with Theresa. I think we're gonna be okay. There have been a few bumps so far, and there will probably be a few more, but we haven't hit anything insurmountable yet. So, yay.
Work is work. There's nothing else to say.
Ren faire season is finally starting up! Starting on Columbus Day weekend, I'm pretty much gonna be doing something every weekend in October. Plus, I'm gonna be going to everything with Theresa. Hooray for geek bonding! We've got King Richard's Faire with her friends on the 12th, then the CT Faire the Sunday after, then NH the Saturday after that, and finally Salem on Halloween.
To add to it all, I'm also on vacation the last week of the month, starting with an optional day off on the 24th. This vacation will be good, since Fallout 3 finally comes out this coming Tuesday and I won't have much time to get into it before then.
Okay, I suppose I'm done ranting for now. Besides, it's time to head off to work.

05:51 pm: Halloween, Part I...
So, I've started Halloween shopping. Luce, these may be right up your alley...


http://www.whatonearthcatalog.com/whatonearth/Item_Skel-A-Flamingo_AY1492_ps_dpr.html

04:41 am: Hello, journal...
So, it's been a while, and quite a bit has happened. I'm still single. I wish I wasn't, but at least I'm kind of okay with it.
The downside of being single is that I've been feeling very unwanted lately. I feel like I'm surrounded by people who want what I am and what I have, but they don't actually want me. People love my sense of humor, my wit, my company. They want me around as a friend, but not really any more than that.
Listen, I'm a pudgy geek. I've heard the "just a friend" speech since I first took an interest in girls. It's kind of par for the course for my kind. Even if I know there's another reason behind the whole "You're a great friend!" rigamarole, I still hear the same things I've been hearing for over a decade now: I'm fun to be around, but not desirable enough for any more. It hurts even more when I see someone go off and look for my traits in someone else. It's like they've found a car they like, with all the right accessories, but they just need it in a different color.
So, I guess this is gonna bring me to my sex life. I don't think I've ever written about it before, so this should be interesting. So, a warning: Don't look under the cut unless you want to know some details of where I've been and who I've been doing lately.
( Cut for details of Shaun's sex life. )
So, for those that may have not read the previous section, I've been hanging out (and a bit more) with a woman named Theresa. We get along wonderfully, and have a great time together watching movies, going for walks, etc. She also shares my twisted sense of humor, and doesn't flinch easily at offensive jokes, which is a major plus for anyone I intend to spend time with.
So, we've got enough in common that I'd date her in a minute. Except she smokes and drinks (I mentioned drugs to her once, and she said she doesn't want them anywhere near her). Dammit. Now, I'm stuck wondering if my convictions are really worth it.
Yes, I know I've threatened to throw all my standards out before, but this feels different. This isn't coming out of frustration or anger. This is something far more peaceful and thought out. For the first time, I'm seeing what may be a good reason to consider pushing my boundaries back a bit.
She's not a chain smoker. In fact, she didn't have a single cigarette when we hung out Sunday, and that surprised even her. She's not a big partier. I guess she really only drinks when she gets together with her fellow teachers on Friday nights with some wine to bitch about their students.
So, really, she doesn't seem to go to any of the extremes that have led me to feel the way I do. Now, my convictions really haven't served me well these past years. In fact, they seem to cause me far more trouble than they're worth. Essentially, I cut myself off from the vast majority of society, and have to pick through the remainder for someone who is willing to not only date me, but stay with me for an extended period of time.
Really, I'm just sick of trying to ride on some moral high horse. It's just made me lonely. When I look at my life, the thing I want most is love, and I really don't think that any half-assed holier than thou crap is worth pushing that away for. I really don't want to be one of the people who can stare a good person in the eyes and say "Sorry, you're not good enough for me. I'm better than what you have to offer." There's only so high you can build a tower before people aren't willing to climb the stairs anymore...

02:22 am: Well, shit.
George Carlin is dead.

10:54 am: Fuck you universe, fuck you.
Okay so I'm not sure whether someone up there really likes irony, or whether karma is kicking me in the nuts. I got injured (again) at work Thursday morning, and filed my accident report last night. They're sending me out on disability until further notice. So, I'm staring at a span of at least two weeks where I've got nothing but spare time. Finally, I've got time during the week where I won't be hedged in by work and sleep, and now I don't have anyone to spend it with. Seriously, what the hell?

04:53 am: It's been quite a while, screen...
So, at the request of Tammy (do you mind if I just call you Tam? I have a habit of shortening people's names to a single syllable, just ask anyone who knows me. Besides, it's the name of a river in Ireland, the Thames in England is rooted in the same word, and River Tam is a character in Serenity/Firefly), I've decided to write a new post. It's been quite some time, and I'm not really sure if I have anything to say, but I promised her I'd bang away at the keys.
First off, I suppose I'll go with something that kind of ties in with my last entry. D&D 4.0 comes out in about a week. Ethan's told me quite a bit about it, and most of my doubts have been erased. In spite of just how much WoTC are changing certain gameplay mechanics to make the game more accessible, it doesn't seem that they're watering anything down. The game does seem to be borrowing heavily from the mechanics of MMOs (especially WoW), and I'm not looking forward to buying a whole new stack of books, but I still wanna give it a try.
Now, on to some of the less happy stuff... I'm single again. Yeah, big surprise, right? I've been single for... um... a good few weeks now, actually. I can't remember exactly how long, and it doesn't really matter enough for me to look it up. At any rate, I'm single again.
How did I end up single? Well, it all came down to a matter of distance. I could really only head out to see her about once every three weeks or so, and I guess that just wasn't cutting it. So, we decided to end it. Just like that. "Sorry you can't adjust. Bye."
Now, I suppose it's time for me to rant a bit about this whole breakup thing. I've tried my hardest not to let anger into my thoughts and feelings, but I can only maintain that level of composure for so long, especially when I've got something I can really latch on to. The fact that I've been discussing the situation in-depth with people recently really hasn't helped. I've basically been forced to reexamine the situation repeatedly, and I've found that I got a nice big kick in the balls.
See, before we broke up, we had issues with porn. I enjoy porn, and she saw it as a form of cheating to watch porn while in a relationship. So, we ended up with three options.
1) I could allow her to simply shut up and deal with it. Now, when I say "deal with it," I really mean "be miserable about it, say absolutely nothing to me, and bottle it all up until she has a major breakdown over it." Well, I'm not a big enough prick to allow that. Yay me.
2) I could just walk away. This is the one I was leaning towards for a while, but she wasn't too keen on it. Plus, had I actually managed to do this, I would've been stuck with the fact that I basically picked online smut over someone I loved. Once again, not that big of a prick. Yay me again?
3) This is the one I went for: Quit porn cold turkey. One night, I just deleted my entire folder and never looked back. I genuinely felt she was worth what amounted to a relatively small sacrifice on my part. *shrugs* Yay me?
Yeah, maybe "yay" if things had worked out. Well, during this whole tug-of-war over porn, she was writing a paper on love and existentialism. Essentially, she wrote that there is always a choice in a relationship. Any time a problem comes up, the people involved can decide whether or not the problem is worth working out, or whether their opinions are more valuable. Sometimes, a person would have to choose to either sacrifice something personal, or sacrifice the relationship. I'd say it's obvious which meant more to me.
Well, imagine my bloody surprise when we finally started talking about just how hard a long-distance relationship was for her to deal with. It culminated in a final conversation in her room on a Saturday after the taping of a final project for one of her classes. I really needed to jam more prepositions into that last sentence. Really. Anyway... During this conversation, she flat out told me that having someone close and secure meant more to her than everything I could offer her. If I had been just a bit more sure about the actual wording, there would've been quotes around that. It was that blunt. Like I said, kick to the nuts.
Now, the funny thing is that this made me realize just how many trust issues I've still got because of what Kat pulled on me. I haven't actually said this to her yet (so I suppose if she reads this, it'll be the first time she knows for certain that I feel this way. Sorry.), but I wouldn't ever get back together with her now. After everything we managed to fight our way through, and just how good we thought we were for each other, she ran away because I couldn't be around as often as her last live-in boyfriend. I could never trust that she wouldn't find another reason to give up. To quote Lifehouse, "It's easier to be broken, easier to hide."
One thought that's been floating around in my mind is the trouble I have saving money. I'd like to, but it's hard for me to justify scraping together tiny amounts now when there's so much instant gratification that could be had with it and I won't be able to do anything with it until I get a better job or go full-time, anyway. She always used to reprimand me about saving money, and I always countered that things would change immediately once I went full-time. Looking back over everything now, I realize that we both have problems working towards a future if there's no immediate pay-off.
Moving on, I think I'll still be single for a while. There are exactly two people who I kinda like right now, and I talk to both of them on a regular basis. *shrugs* That's really about all I'm gonna say on it, since that's really all there is to say. There's really nothing keeping me from letting either of them know how I feel, but I'm trying not to rush into anything. I've let myself fall too far too fast in my last two relationships, and my heart's still recovering from some nasty third-degree burns. I believed in perfect relationships and all I got was this stupid emotional baggage.
My cousin and his little asshole of a stepson came out from Detroit over the weekend. Before my grandmother died, she told my cousin that he could have any of my grandfather's rusted out old Jaguars if he wanted them, all he had to do was come down and haul them away. Well, he brought his trailers and power winch down over the weekend, and we got it all done on Saturday. He left with one car in much better shape than we thought it was (these cars are all damaged Jags from the 40s that my grandfather got cheap from junkyards because they'd been in accidents. They were only covered with tar paper, sheet metal, and scrap wood. Most of them are just rusted out old hulks now, really.), another that he'll be able to scrounge quite a few spare parts from, and an engine/transmission assembly that was surprisingly complete, as well as surprisingly heavy. So, my weekend was not relaxing, and my step-cousin pissed me off royally, but at least I feel like I've accomplished something, and it's always cool to see my cousin. Him and his father are two of maybe three of my relatives that I enjoy spending time with. The third would be my cousin Eileen. She's a religious zealot, but she won't try to beat the Bible into your skull, she's incredibly nice, she's always there when people need her, and she has an amazing calming aura whenever she shows up. Basically, she manages to keep people calm and helps out a lot when anyone in the family dies or is dying.
Other than that, my life continues as normal. I still play D&D and WoW on a regular basis, but at least now I'm doing regular group runs with some friends from work on weekends. I still spend too much time with my 360 (GTAIV has eaten the little crumbs of my life that WoW left on the plate). I'm still thinking about getting back into LARPing, but there's just so much that I'd rather do with my weekends now, and I have yet to find a game that offers the perfect balance of realistic combat and deep character development that I look for. I still spend a lot of time at the movies; Iron Man and Indiana Jones were both wonderful. I highly recommend both of them.
Well, I suppose that's about it from me for now. I've been writing for about a half-hour, and said a lot more than I thought I would. I also said some things that I didn't think I would, as well as a few things that I'd rather I didn't. However, this is pretty much everything that's going on right now. Perhaps I'll post more later, or start posting my fiction and such when I actually get around to writing little scraps here and there.

04:07 am: Was it a crit?

09:31 pm:

04:31 am: Holy Christ...
People make my brain hurt.

http://www.fstdt.com/fundies/top100.aspx?archive=1

04:36 am: *takes a deep breath*
Alright. I need to be honest. For once, I need to be completely honest. I need to forget about restraint. I need to forget about who I want to be, and focus on who I am. I need to be honest about what I'm feeling, even about the emotions that betray my flaws. Especially about the emotions that betray my flaws. My perspective may be skewed, and I may be wrong about things, but that doesn't change the way I feel. I've examined things, and I'm fairly certain that they are as they seem to me.
I also need to be somewhat anonymous. Yes, I want others to read my words and understand my feelings, but I need to express them to no one. I need to say things that I just don't have the courage to say directly to her. True, airing what may amount to dirty laundry may upset, anger, and hurt her, but this is the same way she composes her entries, so I hope she'll understand.
I'm hurt. I'm hurt, and angry, and depressed, and even jealous. But mostly I'm hurt. I'm hurt because he wins. In the end, it's all a competition, and he wins. No matter how many times he hurts her in the same ways, he still wins. No matter how close I come to being the perfect guy, he still wins. In spite of all the times she's been done with him, he's the one with her tonight.
What hurts the most now is what hurt the most two entries ago. No matter what he does, she'll take him back again and again. No matter what I do, my one flaw is enough to override any hope that may otherwise flourish. I feel like I'm somehow not worth enough for blind hope, but he is.
Earlier tonight, I got the big kicker, too: "You're probably the best friend I have." I could hear an announcer say "And the runner up... Shaun! Hug the winner and graciously accept your year's supply of Rice-a-Roni." It's not that being a friend to someone is a bad thing, but there was a part of me that still had so much hope. It's like hoping for a Ferrari, but winning a BMW; it's a great prize, but it still falls a bit short of what you hoped for.
So, okay, now that all that is out of the way, there's one thing about this that still irks me. Even with me out of the heart-shaped picture, there's still him. I know he has potential to be a good guy, but I've heard stories- and seen firsthand- that he won't do anything to fulfill that potential. When it all comes down to it, I can accept that I'm not the one, but I can't accept that he is. If that really is the case, then I've grossly overestimated her worth as a person.
So, all this being said, I think I can truly move on. I can finally make some form of peace with my feelings. I can accept that I don't have a snowball's chance in Rosie O'Donnell's ass. Maybe now I can finally put my heart into other romantic pursuits. I've had one or two prospects recently, but I've been too damned hung up to put anything genuine into them. Hopefully, I can begin to change that, starting as soon as I hit the "post" button and head over to my OKCupid inbox.

07:18 pm: Time for me to be a bit cryptic...
Because the person this is mean for will understand, and no one else really needs to...
I've been listening to "Glory of Love" way too much over the last couple months. I whimsically desired for it to apply to my life. For the most part, it was pretty much right on the money, except for a few lines. Well, now those lines apply, too, goddammit. Be careful what you wish for, right?

Tonight it's very clear
As we're both lying here
There's so many things I want to say
I will always love you
I would never leave you alone

Sometimes I just forget
Say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you crying
I don't wanna lose you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love

You'll keep me standing tall
You'll help me through it all
I'm always strong when you're beside me
I have always needed you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you've been dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love

Just like a knight in shining armor
From a long time ago
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my castle far away

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of
We're gonna live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love

We'll live forever
Knowing together that we
Did it all for the glory of love

We did it all for love
We did it all for love
We did it all for love
We did it all for love

09:19 pm: In which our hero tries to make sense of life.
Okay, so here I am. I'm single again. This time I'm sure of it. The way things are, I can't go back again. As much as it sucks, I have to just keep walking. Short of some miraculous change of heart for either of us, I can't do it anymore.
Anyone who knows me knows that I can be a tenacious bastard when I want to be. I'll stand and fight as long as there's even a shred of hope. Well, I had a shred to cling to.
The problem is that my strength can only take me so far. Without support, however, it wears thin, and I break. What broke me was pessimism. For once, it wasn't mine. For once, I was actually able to ignore the future, leave it to chance, and try to live in the moment, enjoying what was there. Sadly, that's something that I guess she couldn't do.
It's not just that she couldn't/wouldn't change. I never expected that. The problem is that she consistently denied the very possibility of change. Now, as stated before, I'm stubborn, but even I understand that nothing is set in stone. I have no guarantees of who I'll be when I wake up in the morning, let alone who I'll be another decade from now.
So, it sucks. A lot. I had so much hope. There was so much potential. I was so willing to fight against such long odds. Because there was love. Things were wonderful, aside from that one dark cloud on the horizon.
Is one dark cloud on the horizen really enough to cancel a vacation?

12:43 pm: One week...
Shortest breakup I've had in years. Seriously.
So, yeah, thanks to the three of you that responded to my last post. I'm sorry I didn't respond, but I really needed to try and get my shit together.
You know, Cat, your response had a level of insight into the issue that I've never seen before. The whole idea that it may not be a huge issue for someone until they're faced with it is something I never thought of before, and I'm pretty sure it's true.
Other than that, I've basically decided that it's not worth letting something that probably won't arise for at least a decade dictate what I do in the here and now. As a person, I'm changing on a regular basis, sometimes by leaps and bounds, and it's ridiculous to think that I'll be the exact same in another ten years.
So, like a gambling addict with his last chip, I'm putting it all on the long-shot, the only shot I've got right now. And I'm completely comfortable with that. If I can be genuinely happy and comfortable- even if it may be temporary- why should I just turn my back on it? There's no immediate issue that needs to be addressed. The here and now is perfect. I'll worry about the future when I get there.